Some Jokes

[loverboy]

Something to offend everyone

Filth

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack......................she hasn't even got a car!!

Weird

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Topical Catholicism

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies, "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

Sexism

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Technology

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

Crime

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think ," I'm fucking having that!"

Travel

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me, you're in that fucking basket!"