A man and his wife were awakened

[Guest]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ad of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here... on the swing," replied the drunk.

[ptguardian]

[loverboy]

Just remember I didn't start this!

Kid’s Logic
A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to a brothel and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the babysitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and he’s the bastard who ran over my frog!'

lb

[Guest]

Bly me, devious little brat...

[starfish21]

a young woman is walking up her path with her mum and dad,'i texted david about an hour ago so he should be finished the job i asked him to do.' when they walked into the living room she nearly died of shock at the sight in front of them,there was a piece of wood fixed to the wall with several of her vibrators hanging from it.she stormed off in embarrassment to confront her husband,when she found him in the kitchen she growled at him 'what the fuck is that on the livingroom wall all about? and where's the dido rail i asked you to put up?

[loverboy]

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbours dog whilst they went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch that was on 'heat' and the neighbours dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem. The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch".

"Oh" said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well" the vet replied, “IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!!!".

lb

[Phuzzy4242]

And one for the more "senior" FLM members...


A 70-year-old man was thrilled when the beautiful 18-year-old woman married him. She adored him and was worried he would be too stressed if they slept in the same bedroom so she made him promise they would sleep apart.

On their wedding night, she went to her room and prepared herself for his arrival. Soon she heard a knock on her door and admitted her new groom. To her delight, their lovemaking was exceptional, but she kept him to his promise and he kissed her and left the room.

A few minutes later she was surprised at another knock on the door. She let her new husband in and to her surprise he was ready for more sport. His lovemaking was again outstanding and she was sorry she had made him promise to sleep apart, but she was concerned about his health so he kissed her good night and went out the door.

The beautiful young woman was herself tired from their exertions and was ready to go to sleep when there came, you guessed it, another knock on the door. Her aged but vigorous husband entered her room again and they proceeded to have another vigorous coupling.

When it was over, she turned to him and said, "You are the most virile man I've ever met in my life. Even a young man would have trouble making love so many times."

The man looked puzzled and said, "You mean I've already been here tonight?"

The moral of this story is that Alzheimer's isn't always a bad thing.

[starfish21]

A lady walks into Tiffany’s. She spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little ‘accident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

He answers, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to absolutely shit yourself when I tell you the price.”

[Guest]

A man was driving along the highway and saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter Bunny jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man and animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road. He got out seeing what happened to the rabbit. The Easter Bunny was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible" he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it".

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road! Ten feet away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished! He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can.

He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It read: "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair - Adds Permanent Wave."

[loverboy]

HELP BAN FOX HUNTING

If you agree with this please send to the powers that be. Hope we can stop it.


Please help ban fox hunting.


THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!

[Image]

[Image]


Signed,

Peter Cottontail
Bugs Bunny
The Easter Bunny
Thumper

lb