Ambulance
Paddy phones for an ambulance as Murphy has been hit by a car. Operator ask's where the accident is. He replies " outside 28 Eucalyptus Rd" He's asked "how do you spell that?" The line goes quiet for five minutes with the operator getting worried. Then Paddy say's "sorry about that, i've just dragged him to Oak Street!
Ambulance
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3 hand grenades
Pat + Mick find 3 hand genades and decide to take them to the police station , Mick says "what if one goes off on the way ? " , Pat replies " we'll tell e'm we only found 2 Mick " .
Pat + Mick find 3 hand genades and decide to take them to the police station , Mick says "what if one goes off on the way ? " , Pat replies " we'll tell e'm we only found 2 Mick " .
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Confession
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
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Catholic Wisdom
98-year-old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow!"
98-year-old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips.
Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and said, "Don't sell that cow!"
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Priests on a Train
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first irish priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next irish priest slowly starts "Wellll... with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth irish priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn."
He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."
They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first irish priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."
They all look each other again nervously, but the next irish priest slowly starts "Wellll... with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."
The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."
They all look at the fourth irish priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn."
He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!"
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Paddy & Murphy Get The Day Off
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
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The Nuns And The Blind Man
It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.
Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.
The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.
The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?
The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".
The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.
Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy shit sister nice tits!! ... Where do you want your blinds? "
It was a hot day outside..so the three nuns decided to take off there clothes and bolt the door to there church.
Since there was stain glass windows, nobody could see inside, and the door was locked.
The nuns were busy doing renovations when a Thud Thud Thud hit the door.
The shocked nun ran to the door and pulled her clothes up over herself, when she asked "Who is it"?
The reply from behind the door was "Its the blind man".
The 3 nuns looked relieved when they heard he was the blind man, no sight no problem they figured, and let him in.
Upon opening the door, in entered a burly man in coveralls and said "Holy shit sister nice tits!! ... Where do you want your blinds? "
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Fighting Nuns
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.
The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.
The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
He asked how.
"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.
Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.
The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."
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Duck Call
One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.
She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."
So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.
So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.
And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.
As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.
All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."
Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."
He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."
One day a lady went into a fishing shop to buy her husband a fishing pole for his birthday.
She picked up a really nice looking pole and asked the salesman how much it was. The sales man says, "I am blind but if you give me the pole I can tell how much it is by the weight."
So the lady gives him the pole and he says, "That pole is worth $45." She was amazed at how cheap that was.
So then she picked up another really nice pole, hands it to the man and he says, "This pole is worth $55." she decided that was also really cheap.
And then she picks the nicest looking pole in the place and handed it to the man and he says, "This pole is our best and it is $70." she told him that she would take it.
As she was getting the fishing pole all rung up, she had to fart really really badly. She decided since the man was blind that it really wouldn't matter if she farted in front of him so she just let it loose.
All of a sudden the man says, "It all comes up to $80."
Confused the lady says to him, "But you said the fishing pole was only $70."
He said, "It is. Its $70 for the fishing pole and $10 for the duck call."