Dear Mrs. Smith,
Over the past six months your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and are forced to ban both of you. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Smith, are listed below and documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.' This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor, which in turn resulted in a union grievance.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M & M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told children shoppers he'd invite them in if they'd bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?!" EMT's were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
12. October 6: In the auto department he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker he assumed the fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. November 3: Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.
And last but not least...
16. November 11: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
Now, I ask you, should we have been banned?
