Two Irishmen were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick.'
Two Irishmen
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Two Irishmen
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Re: Two Irishmen
Suitable responses for dealing with forum idiots
Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit on your lips.
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable – like a coma.
Well aren’t you the most adorable black hole of need.
Don’t believe everything you think, no one else here does.
Shhh, that’s the sound of nobody giving a fuck what you think.
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
If you have something to say, raise your hand. And then place it over your mouth.
You are not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Don’t let your mind wander, it is too small to be let out on its own.
Would you like some cheese with that whine?
I understand that you changed your mind on that issue, what did you do with the nappy?
lb
Wipe your mouth, there’s still a tiny bit of bullshit on your lips.
Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable – like a coma.
Well aren’t you the most adorable black hole of need.
Don’t believe everything you think, no one else here does.
Shhh, that’s the sound of nobody giving a fuck what you think.
Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
If you have something to say, raise your hand. And then place it over your mouth.
You are not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Don’t let your mind wander, it is too small to be let out on its own.
Would you like some cheese with that whine?
I understand that you changed your mind on that issue, what did you do with the nappy?
lb
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Re: Two Irishmen
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Irish woman
A Blonde Woman Filling a Credit card application Form
NAME: Rebecca Nelson
D.O.B: 12/12/1982
SEX: twice a day
A Blonde Woman Filling a Credit card application Form
NAME: Rebecca Nelson
D.O.B: 12/12/1982
SEX: twice a day
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Re: Two Irishmen
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How many ducks in this bag?
'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.
'Three,' said Ranagan.
'That's near enough,' said Murphy.
'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Murphy.
'Three,' said Ranagan.
'That's near enough,' said Murphy.
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Memory isn't what is was
Two eighty-year-olds were watching TV.
'Pat, me darling,' said Mary. 'Would you ever do me a favour? Would you go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream out of the freezer?'
'I will,'said Pat.
'Well, shall I write it down for you?' asked Mary. 'Because your memory's not what it was.'
'Don't be stupid, woman. I can remember a simple thing like a plate of ice cream,' snorted Pat.
'Yes, but I was thinking of having a little chocolate sauce poured on it, so I'd better write it down.'
'Good God in heaven,' bawled Pat. 'I'm not stupid you know. I can remember ice cream with chocolate sauce.'
'Yes, but do you know those hundreds and thousands decorations. I was thinking of a sprinkling of them on top. I'd better draw a picture,' said Mary.
'You'll do no such thing,' said Pat. 'I can remember ice cream, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands. Just hang on a minute.'
Hang on Mary did, one minute, ten, twenty, forty. Eventually Pat returned carrying a tray. On the tray was a plate. On the plate was egg, bacon and sausage.
'See, I told you. I should have written everything down,'said Mary.
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'You've forgotten the toast,' she snapped.
Two eighty-year-olds were watching TV.
'Pat, me darling,' said Mary. 'Would you ever do me a favour? Would you go into the kitchen and get me some ice cream out of the freezer?'
'I will,'said Pat.
'Well, shall I write it down for you?' asked Mary. 'Because your memory's not what it was.'
'Don't be stupid, woman. I can remember a simple thing like a plate of ice cream,' snorted Pat.
'Yes, but I was thinking of having a little chocolate sauce poured on it, so I'd better write it down.'
'Good God in heaven,' bawled Pat. 'I'm not stupid you know. I can remember ice cream with chocolate sauce.'
'Yes, but do you know those hundreds and thousands decorations. I was thinking of a sprinkling of them on top. I'd better draw a picture,' said Mary.
'You'll do no such thing,' said Pat. 'I can remember ice cream, chocolate sauce and hundreds and thousands. Just hang on a minute.'
Hang on Mary did, one minute, ten, twenty, forty. Eventually Pat returned carrying a tray. On the tray was a plate. On the plate was egg, bacon and sausage.
'See, I told you. I should have written everything down,'said Mary.
'Why's that?' asked Pat.
'You've forgotten the toast,' she snapped.
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We'll call her hazel
When it came time for the child to be baptised Doolan proudly stood by the font in St Anne's church.
'Now,' said Father Francis, 'and what are we going to name the little one?'
'Hazel,' said Doolan, with a smile.
'Lord save us,' moaned the priest. 'All the saints in heaven, and you're calling her after a nut!'
When it came time for the child to be baptised Doolan proudly stood by the font in St Anne's church.
'Now,' said Father Francis, 'and what are we going to name the little one?'
'Hazel,' said Doolan, with a smile.
'Lord save us,' moaned the priest. 'All the saints in heaven, and you're calling her after a nut!'
Re: Two Irishmen
In response to one of the above posts:
I want to make sure all of my fellow Americans here know that a nappy
is British for what we call a diaper.
(You see, I'm smart. I even know the difference between ice cream and bacon, and the difference
between my head and my ass.)
I want to make sure all of my fellow Americans here know that a nappy
is British for what we call a diaper.
(You see, I'm smart. I even know the difference between ice cream and bacon, and the difference
between my head and my ass.)
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Re: Two Irishmen
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Jerry wrote:In response to one of the above posts:
I want to make sure all of my fellow Americans here know that a nappy
is British for what we call a diaper.
(You see, I'm smart. I even know the difference between ice cream and bacon, and the difference
between my head and my ass.)
Thank youRe: Two Irishmen
I know this is just meant to be light hearted but I find all racist jokes incredibly offensive, particularly these as I am of Irish descent.
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Re: Two Irishmen
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Sorry to hear you are offended. But you shouldn't - any jokes I'm publishing here are no way meant insulting. I think it's important to be able to smile about jokes made with affection.iggii wrote:I know this is just meant to be light hearted but I find all racist jokes incredibly offensive, particularly these as I am of Irish descent.